Status Check

Again, write as though no one is watching.

I find myself absolutely attracted to someone who, beyond any explicable means, intimidates me on multiple levels.  I am so used to dating men that I can charm in a heartbeat with wit, humor and flattery.  My “personality” is my barrier.  Even in high school, I remember a boyfriend remarking that I was nonchalant.  Positively unattainable in the distance I set.  This quality has, until now, 100% worked in my favor.  I am accustomed to deflecting attention onto a polished public persona, ensuring that no one gets too close.  I am comfortable, safe even, being defined by my facade.

My public persona is my moat.  My protection. 

So what is happening now?  I am supposed to be in my cyclical rebound mode, defined by frivolous flings with men that I enjoy, but do not covet.  Yet I’m thrown by a single individual who surprises me, more than I surprise him.  In a mere week, I find myself physically, chemically attracted to a man who isn’t my traditional fantasy.  A man who, unintentionally, makes me think to the point of silence.  And I’ve never been the quiet one.  I’ve always been the one who speaks her mind, the devil to who’s listening.  Ah, but the devil is thoughtful in silence. 

He is smarter, wiley-er than me.  I’ve dated lots of guys who are booksmart, cultured, respectful.  Typical arm-candy for the intellectual.  But I have never met a man who silences me with a single observation.  FF was on a soapbox today, a sociological observation about female firefighters who do the job because they have something to prove, which challenged feminism to a point where I, a non-feminist, was offended.  But his reasoning was entirely logical.  If your house, your home, your abode were threatened, you would certainly want someone fighting for you, and not fighting to prove their own merit.  Given the benefits offered to female firefighters — nine months of maternity paid in full, no questions asked; and reduced expectations if the woman is potentially pregnant — this social liberal/economical conservative is bent to question cost efficiency. 

As though that weren’t enough, I am then led to ponder union benefits.  I believe that unions are economically inefficient.  They drive salaries and cost-per-unit of labor above their natural equilibriums.  But metrics cannot put a value on the sacrifice of life.  Every time a firefighter enters the flames, they are putting their own lives on the line.  How can that be defined by traditional business metrics?  My moat has been breached!  Further, a case example on how Walmart is partnering up with firefighters to collect toys for underprivledged (not under-aged) children.  Walmart is historically, vocally steadfast in their anti-union views, yet about 98% of firefighters are union aligned.  And now Walmart is partnering up with a notoriously unionized profession?  Tres hypocritical!  How does society gain from a large business riding on social sympathies for marketing benefit?  I traditionally side with greater good, but take offense when there is clear manipulation.  Jeebus, have I become pro-union? 

Finally, and this is within the same half hour of exchange, I learn of a prior relationship.  The information is relayed to me with a tone of regret, a shade of wistful want, and now my emotional core is left confused.

It is  truly bullshit.  I have been unexpectedly thrown for a loop and am left speechless.  I have met someone who makes me think, intellectually and emotionally.  This state is maddeningly attractive, though it strikes me, unprepared, to the core.  I think my silence may have been off-putting, I’ve never found silence an attractive quality, but fuck.  I suppose it had to happen sometime.  If it works, if it doesn’t work.  I’ve learned more about what makes me tick.