To feel lost…

Manan took his life this weekend.  He hung himself in his apartment.  Manish says he had so many things going for him, that he just didn’t see it.  I knew he wasn’t settled, but I didn’t really understand just how deep the dissatisfaction went.  I suppose he just wanted to quit everything.

But a part of it seems so like him.  I think he chose that route because he wouldn’t leave behind any mess for someone else to clean up.  Such a weird, yet practical thing to think of, and yet so “Manan-y.”

How will Mona explain this to the munchkin?  That Uncle Manan will never play bed monster with them again? 

What kind of scandal will erupt at his law firm, where he recently said he was going to “bust his ass” to make partner?

What will go through his mother’s mind, when they finally unseal his apartment, and they come face to face with his belongings?

Will Manish’s heart be strong enough, so that when he is able to grieve, he won’t fully break?

All these thoughts, all these questions, I can’t relate to.  I do know I’ve been through a dark phase in my life, but I can’t imagine what it would feel like if my entire life were dark.  My biggest regret is not being strong enough myself to at least provide a little light.  He told me once, just once, that he liked chatting with me.  That I helped ground him.  I didn’t realize that all these little dramas he had, held so much significance for him.  Girls from law school, life in California, moving away from home.  I thought, as smart as he was, as attractive he was, there was no way he could be lonely.  I wish we did go to Martini Park together so that I could be his wingchick.  He said he was shy, I so completely doubted him.

Manan, I really hope you are at peace now, and that your final thoughts were those of pain-free relief.