Dreamworld

Is it normal to be happier when I’m asleep than when I’m awake?  In the last month, my life has been como si, como sa.  The usual.  The norm.  I’m challenged by my job, the minor irritation here or there, but nothing that would throw me off.  But my dreams, they’ve become more emotional, more physical, more moving.  They never involve anyone I know, but rather a combobulation of positive thoughts.  And when I have those dreams, I sleep deeper.  Last night, I slept nine and a half hours.  The only reason I woke up was because my cellphone was beeping.  I didn’t want to wake up.  Turns out, my cellphone was beeping for nine hours.

It’s a new feeling for me.  I’m used to waking up and hitting the ground running.  I was always more present in reality than I was in dreamscape.  But I’m being drawn now.  My emotional and physical lives are not fulfilled in reality, so my mind resorts to subconsciousness to draw on the desires.  Rationality plays a role in real life, smart business decisions, logical analysis, but it is the scapegoat of my dreams.

I have work colleagues looking to me for emotional help.  A part of me loves them and wants to give my heart to help them; the other part of me is wary.  I can’t mix work and personal. They are two different spheres for me.  He’s in the midst of a difficult departing, and I play the role of the rebound girl, minus the sexual perks.  And I told him so.  But there is still the part of my heart that wishes I could comfort and care for him.   But I can’t.  I don’t love him.  I want to hold him and soothe away the bitterness, but I can’t.  Because all “that”, gets in the way.

I have girlfriends who are wondering where I have disappeared to.  They are looking for advice on all fronts.  The fact is, when life gets me down, I hunker down.  I can’t help anyone with their issues, I just want to hide from the world.  It’s who I am. 

A large part of me feels, if you’re looking for me, wondering about me, it’s because you want something from me.  What ends up happening is that I close my doors even tighter.  The love shuts down, the trust shuts down.  I think it’s a defensive reaction to the way I was raised.  My mom used to always seek being wanted.  As a result, I shun it.  Good job, me.  On this path, I’ll never connect with anyone.

I feel like I’m grasping.  But I know, I’m just learning more about myself. Whether or not I find someone to share the rest of my life with, the fact of the matter is, I can take care of myself, and I have a pretty good existence on my own.  I can always take a nap.